Bunny 101
(or how to train a human)
Published in City & Country Pets March 2000
The article itself
Hey. I’m Beaker D. Bunny, dispenser of wisdom. I don’t usually bother speaking to humans, but I’m making an exception today. Thought there were a few things you pitiful excuses for bunny servants ought to know before you cause your bunny to go off and get counseling and write articles and books about how you traumatized him when he was a baby… Start taking notes. You’re gonna need them…
- Spaying and Neutering: If it had to happen to me, it’s gotta happen to them. Spay and Neuter your pets. There are way too many unwanted bunnies hopping around this planet. Besides, you really don’t want to be on “Springer” when your bunny teenagers decide to confront you about how you ruined their lives…
- Feeding: Bunnies gotta eat. Mostly we gotta eat hay. Timothy hay is best. Keeps everything running like clockwork. Some pellets are cool too…just make sure you read the label and check on the contents. I’m a vegetarian. Keep that in mind.
Besides the hay and the pellets, bunnies eat lots and lots of vegetables. I have a chef who prepares my meals each night. I get romaine lettuce, cilantro, parsley, kale, basil, dandelion greens, collard greens and a hint of carrot just to round things out.
- Litterboxes: I am a whiz at using the litterbox…if I do say so myself. We bunnies are much smarter than you think and we are certainly smarter than cats. If you give us a litterbox, it means less mess for you and more fun for us. Here’s a hint to help with litterbox training: cover the litter with hay. Your bunny will spend a lot of time in there eating…etc.
And speaking of litter…please oh please don’t use cat litter for bunnies. It’s really not good for us…especially the clumping kind. It clumps in our tummies and then you’ve really got a sick bunny on your hands. Pine and cedar chips give off toxic fumes too…so they’re no good. Paper-based litters are the best. And my servant gets me oak stove pellets. They’re very absorbent and very cheap. She’s like that.
- Housing: I’m a house bunny. That means I live in a house with air conditioning and heating and running water. Only problem with the setup is I’ve got to share the house with a couple of useless humans. They’ve been trained to respect my space, so it works out pretty well.
Space is really important for a bunny. Besides needing space I can call my own, it’s really important to have space to run and play. If you can’t give your bunny a whole room in your house or wing in the mansion (as the case may be), then at least give him a play area big enough for him to jump and run and play. Spend quality time with your bunny so he can train you…er…I mean so he can get to feel comfortable with you and trust you.
- Bunnyproofing: Bunnies eat wires. Bunnies eat phone cords. We just can’t help it. It’s like an addiction. We live for the thrill. So please keep this in mind when you let your bunny play in a room. Protect cords or keep them out of reach of your bunny. And be aware of who else is in the room. If not properly acclimated, other pets can see your bunny as a threat and harm him. Even humans can harm your bunny if they don’t know he’s there. Recliners and rockers are comfy to sit in, but can be deadly to an unsuspecting bunny.
- Routine: Probably the most important thing you can give your bunny is routine. I need to know when my human is going to bother me so I have time to hide my secret files and make appointments with my therapist…
- Human contact: Since your bunny is soft and furry and small, you probably think that means it’s okay for you to handle him like a stuffed teddy bear. Wrong. We bunnies have our pride. We also have really bad reactions to fearful situations. Please be gentle when picking up your bunny. Keep him close to your chest so he’s got a solid place for his feet. Start out by staying close to the ground until you both get more comfortable. And if your bunny hates to be held, please only do it if you absolutely have to. That way you’re much less likely to get bitten.
Okay, I hope you’ve learned something. I’ll be around if you have questions. Now go worship your bunnies and leave me alone.
~Beaker D. Bunny