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Ask Beaker Bunny did a bad bad thing... Published in City & Country Pets August 2000 |
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I hear this question alot..."I was, um, redecorating and it got a little out of hand. There’s a big hole in the carpet and the human landlord hasn’t seen it yet. Please, Mister Beakie, what can I do about it?" Answer is simple. You can replace the carpet. "But how, Mister Beakie, Sir? How do I get more carpet when I am renting space from the human and the carpet doesn't belong to me?" Again, the answer is simple. You (BDB...Beaker D. Bunny) simply phone your incompetent human landlord (IHL) and have the following conversation...assuming, of course, that your bunny mansion is equipped with it’s own phone line… *** <ring><ring> IHL: "hello?" BDB: "Let me talk to the useless human who runs this place." IHL: "Oh, it's YOU, Mister Beakie, Sir. How can I help you? <grovel><grovel> BDB: "See, it's like this. You know the carpet you put down in your pitiful room?" IHL: "Yes, is it okay? Shall I come over and clean it personally for you, Sir?" BDB: "Yeah, it's great. The little woman (or in my case, the extra-large woman) decided to recarpet the litterboxes. She loves this carpet sooooo much, she wants to go find some just like it. Got any extra pieces she could have to take with her when she goes to CarpetsRUs?" IHL: "Of course, Mister Beaker. Anything for you." BDB: "Just be sure it's a nice big piece. She wants them to get the full idea of what this carpet is like. She needs at least a square foot of the stuff. Same color. Adores the color." IHL:
"Of course, Mister Beakie. Right away. And shall I include this
month's contribution to the Beakie Fund with that?" *** Now that you’ve got a matching carpet remnant, head on over to the local home improvement store (If you don’t have your own Mercedes, get your human to drive you by chewing some phone cords in half. Works every time.). You will need to buy the following items: Carpet Seaming Tape; Double-sided Carpet Tape; Measuring Tape; a cutting instrument of some kind (switchblade, chain saw, scissors…your choice); you might also need padding material of some kind. When the human is asleep, gather your materials and go to the hole. Cut out a square of carpet around the hole. Measure the square. You will need to cut a matching piece out of your carpet remnant, but first determine what direction the carpet is going. If you have eaten up all of the padding underneath, you will need to apply a like thickness of padding under the new carpet. Adhere this to the floor with carpet tape. Examine the carpet around the hole to determine what direction the pile lays. Turn your carpet remnant so it faces the same direction and cut it to match the square you removed. Apply Seam Tape to the existing carpet, creating a sticky surface for your new piece. Making sure to stretch as you go, fit the new piece of carpet into the hole and press down firmly. If you made your hole in the corner of the room, use carpet tape to adhere it to the floor along the edge of the wall. Check to be sure the new carpet blends in with the old. Trim it down (preferably with scissors) if the pile sticks up at all. Voila! No more hole. Go take a nap and get your strength back to start redecorating the coffee table tomorrow. ~Beaker D. Bunny |